It’s 1:43 in the morning. I sit alone in the bedroom, the only light brightening the small space is coming from the computer screen and the Indiglo blue from the atomic clock sitting on the dresser. I’m wearing a long-sleeved nightgown, when I usually sleep naked, because I am a guest in someone else’s home and that’s the appropriate thing to do when you’re a guest in someone else’s home.
I have slept off and on most of the day, for various reasons. One reason, the main reason, is that I woke in a lot of pain, the deep down, lingering, soulfully painful pain. Another reason is that the weather took a turn and it was wet, snowing, gusting wind and right at freezing all day long. It’s the perfect weather for sleeping, especially when one doesn’t feel well. Another reason is likely that I’m trying to avoid contact with other people right now–well, at least, certain other people.0
I’ve never been that socially adept; to be sure, I’m a bit socially awkward. I either don’t join in conversations at all and am like the paintings in the hallway of a hotel–you see me, and if you look close enough, I might be beautiful to you, but for the most part, people walk past me with nothing more than a peripheral knowledge of my existence. The other way I go is that I tend to talk way too much, way to loudly, and a bit too boisterously–almost like I’m trying to be the center of attention or I think I’m ‘all that’, when in reality, it’s pure insecurity and I go ‘on script’ and play my part. It’s not that I can’t do well in a crowd or that I don’t do well with people–for the most part, I do–it’s just that, as a closet introvert, it takes so much energy out of me to do so that I am drained emotionally and sometimes physically by the trying. Strange, but I am a phenomenal public speaker–I can command a stage or a podium or an interview… it’s the normal daily human interactions that wear me down. I’ve never quite ‘fit in’.
Add to this that I’m totally out of my comfort zone, that I get the impression my best friend’s mother doesn’t like me much at all though I find her a kind and sweet person, that I’m still not fully recovered from the trip here and we have another trip back home coming up soon that I’m dreading, and that I feel I’ve somehow let some people down while on this trip… then there’s the fact that the trip has shown me that, though my health is getting better, I’m still not able to do most of the things I used to be able to do and that the trip has shown that to me even more than when I am in one location and able to accommodate some weaknesses…
Then add to it all that about an hour 1/2 ago, I was admonished for supposedly having kept someone up all night with my talking, when I don’t recall having done that, and was told that I needed to let them sleep tonight. But an hour and 1/2 later, they’re still up, talking, and I’m in here alone, ready to go to sleep like I was told I had to do, like some small child being reprimanded because I don’t know any better over something I didn’t even know I was doing. Plus, the first night I stayed up so late wasn’t for me. I was trying to do something for someone else, and it didn’t work.
Maybe I did talk too much the last couple of nights or stay up too late, but even if I did, maybe it was because I miss this person and haven’t had any time to spend with her the way we usually do while I’ve been here…. and I’m trying not to be selfish, but things are different here, and and and… (sigh).
So I sit here tonight, pushing two in the morning, and I hear the hum of one of the refrigerators and the gusting sounds of the wind rustling the trees outside the window, and I’m crying. I’m sad. I’m lonely. I miss my work. I miss my writing. I miss high-speed internet where I tie the work and the writing together and socialize some while I do it. I miss being ‘home’. I miss feeling included, feeling loved, feeling I belonged.
I miss me.
What’s worse about the whole thing and my feeling like this tonight is that it’s not like any is fighting or anything is really wrong. It’s not like anyone has said or done something wrong. It’s not like anyone has gotten upset or said or done anything to me or anything like that. It’s not that our hosts aren’t gracious. They have been wonderful. Truly. They have provided a cozy and comfortable place to rest, excellent food, have been amazing to my son and my dog. It’s just me they don’t seem to like. I’m the problem here, the one who isn’t fitting in and making things work, the one who can’t do the things I should be able to do and… well (shrug). They are very kind to me, and maybe it’s all my imagination, or maybe I’m just crazy.
It’s very possible the latter is true.
It’s just, tonight, right now, I’m sad, and I’m crying, and there’s no one to talk to about how I feel. So you guys and gals get to hear it. Sorry for that, but thanks for letting me work it out some inside of myself, outside of myself with you.
Just so you understand the title, I was eating a bagel with strawberry cream cheese when I first started to write this post. The bagel and cheese were brought to me by my son, bought for me by my friend, but the whine, I supplied that all on my own.
Tomorrow is another, better, day.
Love and stuff,