I stumbled upon a quote an internet entrepreneur–I’ll call him Mr. Pomp for the purposes of this blog, but I’ve taken a liking to calling him Napoleon to my family –who had managed to luck out a few years back with a successful company turnover, and that quote got me to thinking. Immediately after I read it, I turned to Buffy and said, “I guess he doesn’t realize that different people measure success differently. His version of success, in my eyes, would be a complete failure.”
Chances are, he would considers me a complete failure, but something tells me if he were a fly on the wall for a lazy afternoon in my living room, surrounded by all the things and people I love, looking at the backyard at the greenery and the crystal water of the pool, my dog licking my toes, sipping a cup of hot tea while watching it rain (I love rain) and realizing this is an average WORK day for me, and if Mr. Pomp could feel what I feel inside of me in those moments, he might just envy me a little bit–just a bit, you know–the next time someone is trashing him on some website, or he’s popping a pill to stay awake while 50 different people are all wanting a piece of his ass, and then popping another pill to be able to shut off his brain at night to go to sleep. Sure, some days, he probably loves his life and thinks he’s successful, but I’d venture to guess if he ever slowed down enough to really think about it, he might realize he hasn’t been measuring success very accurately.
But I’m sort of digressing…
A couple of weeks after reading him talk about his supposed ‘success’, I was talking to my friend and assistant editor, Jennifer Walker (buy her book! It’s good!), telling her that money isn’t what anybody REALLY wants. She, like so many others, initially balked at that statement, but she, like I think you will too, realized what I’ve known for a few years now: It’s really not money that anybody wants. For Jennifer, I think what she’d probably would like to have is a nice little (but not too little) house, play with her horses, have all her bills covered with some extra and be able to write whenever and most important WHATever she wants. Heck, sounds sort of like my measure of success, minus the horses. I love them, but really don’t want to have one of my own. See how I talk about her like she’s not even here? Oh, wait, she’s not. Hummm… oh, well, did I mention to go buy her book?
Back on track – Money should absolutely not be used as the sole measure of success, if it should be used as a measure at all. I’ll be the first to say it shouldn’t be, but then, I’ve also been blessed to see some amazing things that can be done with money. More on that in a minute, before I lose track of my thinking here (too late).
SUCCESS: What REALLY Matters
Back to what I read from this ‘successful’ businessman, who has quite a few ‘haters’ and the majority of the people who are fans are more scared of him or looking for how they can ride on his ‘success’, never realizing how unsuccessful he really is, in the scheme of things. Basically, he said the only reason people hated him was because they were not as successful as he was, did not have as much money as he had, did not live in as nice a house as he did and did not drive as fancy of a car. He continued on bragging, basically, at least in my opinion, about all the things he has that he says he ‘shoulnd’t have’, because he doesn’t ‘deserve them’.
Well, I sort of agree with him on that point: he doesn’t deserve them. Then when I see some of what is involved in him getting those things, I realize, well, maybe he does.
A miserable person with all sorts of ‘things’ is not more successful than a person with ‘enough’ who is happy. Now, granted, it’s possible to be poor and happy at the same time, but being financially insecure is draining and it’s hard to be comfortable and truly feel successful when one is struggling to pay bills (boy, do I remember that – been there, done that, and couldn’t even afford to buy the t-shirt). My point is age-old: money doesn’t buy happiness, and happiness has nothing to do with income.
What Do People Really Want?
I suppose there are some people who really think they want money. Typically, those people really want something that money provides them: security, freedom, power, control, safety, etc. There’s nothing wrong with any of these things, per se. What a person does with these things is much more important than their desire for them.
But the point here is, not everyone needs a bank account with a couple of million bucks or more in it and a high-paying income to feel secure or safe, and in fact, some people who do have big bank accounts actually don’t feel secure or safe for various reasons that might be due specifically to having that high bank account.
Something I wrote in a novel, “Those who are the easiest to control are those who have the most to lose.”
What people want varies from person to person, but usually it’s to be happy, to feel secure, to have all of their needs easily met (food, clothing, shelter, basics) and most of if not all their wants met. Not everyone in the world will want the same thing. Ryan has dreamed of owning the truck he has right now for years when he was a kid (or at least, one like it). I look at that truck and think, “Ugh.” Shoot, it’s hard for me to even get into it (I swear the thing must be seven feet tall), much less enjoy driving it, but he loves it. That’s what matters. It cost him about 60k. My car, on the other hand (though I rarely drive anymore, if at all, due to health reasons) is 10 years old, only cost me 10k when I bought it, and it is exactly what I wanted. I’ve owned it for about eight years now, and I still love it. I’ve looked at other cars, could afford to buy other cars, but I truly am perfectly content with the one I have (but admit it needs a wax job right now!)
I’d say both he and I were ‘successful’ in terms of our vehicles, and yet, our circumstances are nothing alike. Which one of us was successful? Guess that answer will vary depending on your own point of you and what success looks like to you.
WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?
I’ll bet you have a friend who is really stoked about getting a big screen TV, and another who is really impressed with her brand new fancy laptop. Maybe you don’t care about either of these things, but your kids bought you a gardening tool that you’ve spent two weeks in the yard playing with. Maybe you envy your co-worker’s fancy diamond earrings, but in reality, earrings hurt you ears and even if someone bought them for you, you’d probably never wear them. Now, a diamond ring? Maybe.
The point is, no one person wants exactly the same thing as any other one person. Because of this, success cannot be measured by any one ruler either.
So don’t bother following someone else’s vision of success. As writers, we cannot look at the Stephen King’s of the world and say, “If we never sell as many books as he has, we are unsuccessful writers.” Neither can we look at our one contest win or one published work and determine that this equates a successful writing career. We must determine, before we begin walking the writing road, what our vision of being a successful writer looks like. Then, as we grow, change, learn and develop as a writer, we can constantly change our vision of ultimate success, with each level of success reached along the way.
The only downfalls would be never celebrating or recognizing our success along the path, and rather looking at success as a destination. Another downfall is, pretty much what this blog post is about: don’t use another person’s measure of success to determine how successful you are. There will always be someone who has more and there will always be someone who has less than you do. It’s what you have versus what you really want and need that matters, and even then, it should only matter to you.
As for Mr. Pomp and my Napoleon reference, the bigger they are the harder they fall is not always accurate. Sometimes, living with the life we manifested and created for ourselves is much more difficult than falling. One of the other downfalls for measuring success by someone else’s standards is that you also end up measuring failure by their standards too.
Keep writing.
In gratitude,
Michy
Thanks for the mention! This is a great post, and that was a really great conversation. I have been meditating on bringing safety, security and happiness (for the good of all) into my life, and I’m looking forward to even more success to come!
Since you don’t have a thumbs up, I’m leaving a comment to tell you, “Thumbs Up!”.
There were a couple of recent studies (recent meaning in the last two to three years) that found some interesting things about money and how it affects people. One found that having “things” does not usually make people happy. Instead, people find more joy in experiences. In other words, owning a big-screen television won’t make you happy. Inviting your friends over to watch a movie or a game will (even if your TV is small). The other study found that the greatest amount of satisfaction in life comes from a moderate amount of money. If there is not enough, life is full of stress as one wonders how he will make ends meet next week – or even tomorrow. Too much money, on the other hand, creates its own stress in worrying about how to protect it.
The point I am getting at is in agreement with your observations. People too often look at money itself as the measure of success. Money is a vehicle. Start looking at where it can take you. If it gets you where you are going, you are successful.
I am blessed and very grateful to have enough.
I have enough house, for the moment, for my family.
I have enough food to feed myself, those I love, and enough to share with others.
I have enough blessings to pay forward and bless others… blessings are a river which can’t be dammed to form a reservoir or the river goes dry, but the more you pay forward, the greater volume flows through you.
I have enough love and always welcome more into my life.
There are times when cash flow is tight… but I have enough and I am grateful. There are times when I feel challenged, but I have enough of whatever I am challenged at, and I am grateful. Somehow, God provides (or fate or the universe or whatever you choose to believe).
Sadly, people like the entrepreneur mentioned above live in a state of lack… he will never have “enough” and he lives with a gaping hole in his life which drains him of energy, time, love, and gratitude. While such people often hurt others with their state of lack and by their actions, I can’t help but feel sorry for them. I’ve joked, in the past, about people crying all the way to the bank, but I really wouldn’t trade places with the man you described. Reciprocity is a bitch (and often comes with compound karmic interest).
This is nothing short of a brilliant post…not because it’s well written (which it is), but because it comes as close as anything I’ve read lately about the complexity inherent in the pursuit of happiness (about which no perfect article will ever be written, but this is as close as any I’ve read).
The challenge in the human condition is that people work hard to drive towards something…financial success, physical fitness, lots of friends, great grades…that they only learn how to live in that mode. Once the level of success that would bring happines is reached, it is, sadly, very difficult to accept that the goal has been attained and that further work in the same direction won’t result in additional happiness. That’s scary for most of us…because now we’re forced to look harder happiness and cannot simply allow inertia to carry us in the same direction. And the hurdles to the next level of happiness keep getitng more difficult to achieve. And yet, the achievement of those goals is, I think, what fuels happiness.
I am completely convinced, now at 40 years old, that true happiness comes from setting goals and maximizing your abilities to reach those goals. But, then being reflective enough to shift gears and estalish new goals that may be very different than the first ones. And on and on.
But there is absolutely no common standard for what ‘success’ is…at least not one that can be quantified. As I look at my kids, I hope their success long term will come from not only maximizing their potential, but putting that potential and their achieivements into context and growing as individuals. to never become lazy but to continually look for the next thing and work towards it until your last day on earth. Extremely hard to do.
Excellent article…thanks for sharing the link on Facebook.
I agree with your post absolutely and I am now interested in reading some more of your posts on your blog and see what you have to say. Do you mind if I tweet your blog post out to my followers on twitter? I think they would also enjoy the blog post. Thanks.
The arrogance of someone who believes there’s a universal model of success (based on their own definition) is hard to understand. But the most telling revelation about this particular guy was the ‘people hate me because they’re jealous’ attitude. I’ve come across so many people who say (and believe) this. My response to him would be the same as to the others. If one or two people amongst everyone you’ve ever met don’t like you, it’s possible they’re jealous. If lots of people don’t like you, you’re not a very nice person.