The Facebook Song, by Michy (sung to American Pie tune)

An original parody that maybe some day I’ll actually perform and put up on YouTube or something some day when I’m feeling better. For now, you’ll just have to read it and know that you can sing it to the tune of American Pie, by Don McClean. Here’s the music so you can get the tune if you don’t know it, but I think most of you will know it.

 

The Facebook Song, by Michy

A long, long time ago
I swore that I would never get
An account on Facebook, or any site like that
But they said if I took a chance
That I could harvest cows real fast
And maybe meet some friends from ‘89
So I logged on the Facebook page
To see how much my friends had aged
How did they get so fat?
I wonder where the men’s hair’s at…

So I clicked to send a friend request
To those who I remembered best
Some approve, and some reject
Just like back in high school

Why, why did I befriend that guy?
His brother’s Eddie, his name’s Freddie
And he’s poking my page
He’s tagging me in erotic poetry
Saying, “I really think that I might be gay.
Tell me, do you ever swing it that way?” (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

So I clicked block and moved along
To find a friend I thought had gone
To Thailand, back in ‘92

Ah, he’d never made it on the plane
‘Cause Lisa said her time was late
Baby Kristen was born on her due date

Lisa was not in love with him
So she cheated with his best friend Jim
He sought custody of the kid
Oh, but… Kristen wasn’t his

He was a lonely, single divorced man
With a one-room loft somewhere in San Fran
So I hooked him up with Freddie Ray
Who knows, he could swing that way. (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

I started clicking…

Why, why did I befriend that guy?
What a pity, his life’s shitty
He’s a hell of a guy
Wait, what’s that say on his Facebook page
Weren’t we both in the same grade?
How’d he just lose ten years in age?

Now, I clicked block and moved along
To find someone whose life was strong
And that’s when I found Lorraine Portend
I knew her back in ’99, back when she was looking mighty fine
So I clicked the box to add a friend

Oh, and while I finished looking ‘round
Her photo album was profound
Lorraine was a nurse, in the porno universe
She wore garters, stockings, and shaking boobs
On the Anal Channel on RedTube
She liked big black dicks and turning tricks
I just… bookmarked that page

And kept on clicking…

Why, why did I befriend her, why?
She was hot when she was twenty
But now she’s forty five
An amateur in the sex industry
With sagging boobs and two missing teeth
That doesn’t really do it for me…

Then there was Manuel Hector, the visual movie director
He used to be an AV geek
He sent me a friend request
To ask which vid I’d like the best
The one where Lorraine sticks it or takes it up the ass?

Then there was Nicole Nadine
Our high school’s own homecoming queen
Her house is real run down
Oh, In Wilson’s Trailer Town

Working on husband number three
With four little mouths to feed
She forgot to take the pill
Number five will be named Bill

Why, why did I befriend her, why?
She started posting for donations
To help pay her bills
A PayPal link, to fix her kitchen sink
God bless us for saving her home
She texted from her brand new iPhone

And there we were all in one place
A generation lost in Face (book)
With buttons to find long lost friends

So come on, just start clicking
Search and pick
Send now, and validate
‘Cause the winner is the one with the most friends

And as I watched Tim Carson’s page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
No ex captain of the team
Would have more friends than me!

And as I clicked long into the night
Adding friends on Facebook with delight
My hand cramped and my back froze tight
I need to get a life…

I kept on clicking…

Why, why did I befriend that guy
He was hippie, now he’s fifty
And his tats are all fried
He used to get fucked, now he watches Nip Tuck
On his couch every Saturday night
Because hear learned to set his DVR right

I finally crawled into my bed
With thoughts of Facebook in my head
I just sighed and closed my eyes

I’d never tried Facebook before
And I won’t be going back no more
But I can’t find how to delete my profile page

It was strange to see my friends
All grown up girls and men

Except the ones who had croaked then
Their lives were all so broken

And I wondered how the world had changed
Since we’d given up those high school dreams
Anonymity our saving grace…

Maybe I’ll try Myspace…

I’ll soon be clicking…

Disclaimer: All the names are made up, promise!

Please link to share, but do not copy and paste. Thanks!

Love and stuff,

Michy

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Comments

comments

4 comments to The Facebook Song, by Michy (sung to American Pie tune)

  • Derek Odom  says:

    aaaaaahahahahahaha that was a brillo! Nicely done.

  • Rissa Watkins  says:

    Hilarious!

  • Erin Boatkicker  says:

    Michy, that was hilarious! I hope someday you do record it! I would love that.

  • Dotchi  says:

    LOL I love this!

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