My Choice – I Wasn’t Ready

I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

There was so much more I wanted to do, to share with you. Remember that restaurant in the shopping center where we used to always shop? I never took you to that restaurant, and I always meant to. Or that pond where the flags are placed every year? I wanted to walk hand in hand with you and watch those flags fly. There was just so much left I wanted to do with you. No, I just wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

There was so much more I wanted to tell you, to share with you, to show you. You left me alone when I was just getting to know you. If I’d known we would never share like this again, I’d tell you everything about me that I kept to myself, share every feeling and emotion. When you talked about yourself, I’d have listened and recorded every word, every thought, as though they were as precious as they should have been when you were still here, still with me. No, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

I wasn’t ready to be alone.

Alone is something I’ve done and done well, something I was used to being. But knowing what it felt like to know someone waited for me, I learned that I did not like being alone as much as I once thought. The comfort in knowing someone was there to turn to with a funny thought, a joke, or to just sit in silence. The comfort of another’s presence. No, I wasn’t ready to be alone.

I wasn’t ready to be alone.

I was scared and hurt and angry. I just knew my whole world would fall apart without you. How would I wake each day, alone, unsure of myself, without my support, my fan, my best friend? It didn’t matter that I’d been alone before and survived. No, I wasn’t ready to be alone.

I wasn’t ready to be in love.

You pursued me, loved me, waited for me. You watched me go through my own personal hell to understand that which still makes no sense. I fought you, argued with you, pushed you away, and yet, still you waited while I gave you excuse after excuse why this would never work, why I was not worthy of the love you gave so freely. No, I wasn’t ready to be in love.

I wasn’t ready to be in love.

I didn’t love myself, so how could I ever love you. I hated him, hated me, hated life, and was angry at God and the universe for the hand I thought it had dealt me, a hand I myself chose, but it seemed insane to blame me, so I blamed everyone else. I blamed you. No, I wasn’t ready to be in love.

Then one day, something changed.

I said goodbye.

I let go, and with that one simple word ‘Goodbye’ the world opened up to me and I knew that I wasn’t alone, not if I didn’t want to be, but I also knew that if I had to be, I could be. So I reached out to that which had waited so patiently. The universe aligned for me once again and brought me everything I needed.

Nothing made me ready…

I chose. I choose.

It’s my choice.

It always has been. I just couldn’t see it, didn’t believe it.

I chose to say goodbye, and when I did, I was ready to say goodbye. Goodbye, my friend, my heart, goodbye, and though part of me hurt, it was the best feeling, the right feeling for me at the time.

I chose to be alone, and when I did, I was ready to be alone. I like who I am, when I’m alone with myself. I like my life, my choices, my heart.

I chose to be in love, and when I did, I was ready to be in love. And to you, my love, the one with whom I have shared my heart and committed my life, when I chose to love you, I made that choice willingly, and I was ready to be in love.

In life it all comes down to choice—the right to choose, the freedom to choose.

When we feel most helpless in our lives is when we feel we have no choices or do not like the choices we feel we do have. In reality, we have an infinite, unlimited supply of choices, and for the most part, we even get to choose what our choices are.

This doesn’t mean we can ‘control’ every little thing that happens to us.

What it does mean is that when things happen beyond our control, we choose how we react, we choose how we respond, we choose how we will feel, and everything else will come into alignment behind those choices we make, the thoughts most prominent in our minds, and the feelings closest to our hearts. We create our own reality through these choices. We choose our destiny. We can’t always determine what is thrown at us, but we always get to choose how we deal with that which is thrown at us.

Choice.

A powerful word, that one.

It’s all about choice.

I chose. I continue to choose.

And because of that, I am ready…

…I am always ready, for anything that comes my way.

 

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6 comments to My Choice – I Wasn’t Ready

  • Beth  says:

    Yes.

  • Derek Odom  says:

    Wow, that’s good. Damn good. I really enjoyed the read. 🙂

  • Bridget Bowers  says:

    I know those feelings very well as I just recently faced the end of a year long relationship. It is amazing how so many of us experience the same feelings and yet we can still feel so isolated. Thanks for sharing some words to help me put my feelings into a better frame of mind.

  • Angela Young  says:

    Thanks for sharing Michelle – very poignant and deep.
    It’s true that we somehow manage to deal when we have to or when we make that choice.

  • […] My Choice – I Wasn’t Ready […]

  • Lindsey Russell  says:

    Michy,

    I adore this post. I commented it on my blog. It is absolutely beautiful!

    Lindsey

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