Have any of you ever heard that Jim Croce song that goes something like this:
“You don’t tug on Superman’s cap…you don’t spit into the wind…you don’t pull the mask off the ‘ole lone ranger, and you don’t mess around with Jim….”
Well, My son loves that song – not sure why.
But that got me to thinking about things that people shouldn’t do. This is a list of twenty things, just little pieces of advice from me and my friends, that you may already know.
1.) Never try to pour powdered coffee creamer into your coffee cup while in front of a fan.
2.) Never get in the middle of copulating animals (dog and cats especially). Humans as well (unless you’re into that kind of thing). A waterhose helps, but is no guarantee.
3.) Never post on the internet in chat forums, blogs, or on messengers while drunk – dangerous things can happen (NOT speaking from experience).
4.) Don’t throw a drink out of a moving car window – I assure you it will splash back and hit the car – and soda destroys a paint job. The same can be said for spitting and other excretory functions.
5.) Never attempt to retrieve a piece of toast that is stuck in a toaster with a metal fork or utensil while the toaster is still plugged in. (This one IS from experience).
6.) Never heat Arby’s sandwiches in the microwave in their original wrappers. (My daughter didn’t know they had metal in them – flaming burger!)
7. Never drop a cigarette lighter into a pan of boiling water. The explosion is really cool, but scalding hot water melting your chest is not fun. (Another one from experience – there is still a slight water stain on my ceiling from this one too! Kaboom!)
8.) Never go through a big puddle in the road with your car windows open.
9.) Never mow the lawn while wearing flip flops.
10.) Never leave an open bottle of tabasco sauce on the table within reach of your 18 month old son.
11.) Never walk away from the microwave to answer the phone when you are heating one of those microwavable heating pads (Another cool trick, but a mess to clean up.)
12.) It’s not a good idea to tell a police officer that you pay his salary. (Again, I didn’t do this one, but I watched it. It was mildly amusing to me, but not to the man who said it!)
13.) Bleach and ammonia do not mix, a lesson from high school chemistry we all should know. However, urine contains ammonia. Bleach is not the best choice for cleaning up urine, so think twice before using bleach to clean a litter box for you cats. The resulting smoke is cool, but the smell will knock you on the floor!
14.) Do not attempt to paint the living room walls when you have cats loose in the house. First, they like to swat at the brush, and secondly, they look funny with paint on their noses, and the wall will have not so cute little paw and tail brush marks.
15.) Do not attempt to knock down a wasp’s nest with a stream of water from a water hose, especially if your child is allergic to wasp stings, and you have low water pressure. Use an appropriate chemical or call an exterminator. Those pesky wasps are meaner than they look, and they look pretty mean!
16.) When watering the yard, it is best to stay upwind, unless you are needing a shower.
17.) When interviewing for a job, it’s probably not a good idea to tell the interviewer that you once worked in HR and that you could have done a better interview than they did. It’s also a pretty good idea not to tell them that you quit your last job because your boss was an idiot and you should have had his job. It doesn’t matter if it’s true, it seems that they frown on these sorts of things.
18.) It is best to learn very early on that not only can your children repeat everything you say, but that they WILL repeat it, and they will repeat it completely out of context and to the least appropriate person possible.
19.) Never trust someone who refuses to look you in the eye.
20.) And my last little piece of advice is not a never do this type of thing, instead, it’s just something to think about:
Trust your children only as much as they mind what you say.
I hope that these little hints can help brighten your day or at least make you smile at the image of them. I’m sure none of you have ever experienced any of these things. (wink).