You told me to give up. You told me to let it go and walk away.
And because you don’t ever ask much of me… because you rarely are ever that adamant or demanding of me… but mostly because I know you are right and I agree with you, I am going to walk away and give up.
Because you told me to.
Because I want to.
Because it’s the right thing to do.
But I still don’t regret for one moment that I chose to try. And I don’t regret for one moment that I feel I did the right thing at the right time and for the right reasons. If someone else took my reasons, took my kindness, took my offer, took my friendship, took anything else that I gave of freely, and then used it for some other purpose than I had intended, that’s on them, not me. The karmic balance of the universe is ever in place, and I got mine coming… and so do they. And I don’t have to DO anything to make that happen or even want that to happen. I just know that’s how the universe works.
But I find it strange that you asked me to give up.
I find it strange that you made this request of me.
Was it me you were worried about? Or perhaps it was you? I don’t know.
I don’t need to know, because, like I said, you’re right.
I used to say, I hold on ’til it bleeds… hold on until it hurts… hold on until there is nothing more to hold on to. That’s how I am. that’s how I’ve always lived my life. And it’s damaged me. But this time, I walk away without that same kind of damage.
But there is damage still.
Oh, I am so sad. I am so sad for the loss of the dream. I am so sad, even though it wasn’t even my dream. I am so sad for so many reasons. And I will miss it all. I will miss the rush. I will miss the excitement of the challenge. I will miss so very much of seeing someone achieve something that means so much to them.
But I won’t miss the psychic vampirism that is deceit and using. Oh, how I attract those that suck up the energies I have. And yet, is it really their fault when I’m giving so freely? Are they really taking advantage when I offer so generously? Isn’t it like asking a person who is drowning if they want a drink and then blaming them when they take your last glass of water all while you’re handing it to them…? It’s not entirely fair to only blame the one sucking up the energy. The person who opens the conduit and freely allows it to flow should shoulder some of the responsibility.
And yet, the good Dr. tells me that’s not true. The good Dr. says that a good man, a good person, the right people in your life, will not take advantage no matter how much you give or share or throw around or whatever. He says that he has refused before when open conduits have been provided to him when he knew it wasn’t right, and that any good person would. I thought of that. I thought about my past. I thought about my life before him and before her and before them and before it all… and I realized, “He’s right.”
Dammit. He really always is. I hate that about him. I love that about him too.
He’s right. I too have had open conduits presented to me and I have refused, because I knew it would take too much, drain too much, use too much, but still would not be enough, and therefore, I refused to use another to the point of exhaustion and/or completion because I could see reality in front of me.
Is that the difference? The ability to see reality? Hell, reality is so much a matter of perception. There were days I swore with tears in my eyes that I was committed to doing something. That was the truth. It was as true as anything ever has been. Two days later, when circumstances changed, I could no longer do that thing is swore as truth. Had I lied? No. I meant it. It was true when it was said. Then it changed. Reality changed. Perception changed. Truth changed.
Truth is not objective.
Life is not objective.
Perception is fluid and it was 100% your reality.
Thus everyone’s reality is different, and it is constantly changing.
So when you told me to give up, what you really meant was to change my perception and move my energies onto something different.
And you and I both know where they need to go, where those energies need to be put to use. We know. We’ve always known.
So why aren’t they?
Isn’t that the question I’ve been asking you for years now? When is it my turn? When do I care enough about me to do for me the same as I do for everyone else. When do I put as much energy into myself as I put into a stranger, into a friend, into a lover, into a child, into an animal…. when do I put that energy back into me?
Can’t I do more and be more and have more for all those things I love, the stranger, the friend, the lover, the child, the animal, the everything else, if I’m stronger and better as me?
So why squander the energies away to others when I can hold them for myself, make me stronger and better, so I can be stronger and better not just for me but for everyone else too?
I used to call it selfish. Selfish was a bad thing.
The good Dr. taught me better.
It IS selfish. But selfish isn’t bad. It’s all in how you look at it.
I’m learning, always learning. Everything changes. Everything. Look at things in new ways, look at life in new ways, because every day is different.
So yeah, I’m going to give up. Because you asked me to.
But I’m not going to give in.
I’m never giving in.
So now that I have all this emptiness on my hands, all this empty I’m left to hold because you told me to give up, to let it go… will you help me fill it with something worthy. Something worthy.
Love and stuff,